how to corporate

put the bad news on blue slides, because blue = calming
roll out the female executives, because female voice reminds them of mom and mom would never hurt them
buzzword, buzzword, buzzword! they can’t complain about what they don’t understand
use the passive voice: “if you should find yourself in the position of being part of a restructuring”
make clever jokes amongst ourselves because, ha-ha, we’re safe!
oops, apologize for the jokes, but then make another one, it’s just so funny!
euphemize, euphemize, euphemize: “positional change”, “rotate in a different direction”, “re-evaluate your future”
one more joke for good measure
end on a high note and tell them you look forward to seeing them again at the next all-hands, except for the ones who get cut before then, ha-ha!